Impostor Syndrome

I think it’s time for a little honesty. For a start off, I’ve recently been described as a blogger. Well, that would be great, but it’s hardly true. I’m not nearly dedicated enough to write almost half as often as I should. Second, stereo-typically I’m a tortured soul. Many of us are. But this time I’m finding more torturous than usual.

Quite frankly, I’m not coping very well with the current lockdown in NZ. I know I’m not alone. We’ve all learned to Zoom / Skype / Facebook chat / Hangout but let’s be honest, it’s nothing like the real thing. Some of us have flouted rules and accidentally seen our friends at the beach or the supermarket car park. We’ve kept the prerequisite distance, but it’s still so odd to not be able to be close to our friends.

We’re social creatures. It’s tough to stay home. My housework has taken off, the garden is looking fabulous. The children are playing heaps of games together. I’ve even exercised daily, thanks to the awesome local gym owner who loaned me some equipment just before everything ground to a halt. But I feel kind of desolate. Kind of strange and disconnected. I’m struggling with lots of issues, some I just can’t write about in public just yet. I want to call my friends up and get together with them. Properly. In real life. This halfway thing is just odd. I want to download my thoughts and thrash out solutions, but it’s kind of odd doing it from your bedroom, where you don’t feel private and anyone can just walk in.

I’m distracted with my work and am currently procrastinating like crazy. My husband is working from home, which is great, but from what was my office, my desk, in what I felt was my only personal private space. It’s no longer my quiet area to reflect, work and write. It’s his area to take calls and have his own virtual meetings. Important, yes of course, but it leaves me displaced and without a place to call my own.

I know all this will pass. I know it is necessary. It has forced me into decisions about my life, and made me realise just how close I am to my friends around me. Without them, I feel not quite myself. I’ve always maintained that cliché that friends are the family you choose. In times like this, it makes you realise that family is everything.

I'm going to start up a weekly call to catch up with others who feel that they need some support. I'm no specialist, but we can perhaps have a strange virtual chat, look at each other and wave. Contact me here.