Spiralling, Spiralling

This may surprise you, but I frequently feel like I just can’t do it anymore. Its like this blackness washes over me, and I struggle to recognize what is happening, and where to find the light switch.

This is familiar scenario. I’ve put a lot of time, effort, work and research over the last few years building my toolkit for dealing with this shit. And yet it still surprises me to find myself feeling trapped in the pit of despair, unable to see the way out I’d signposted on a previous trip down there.

I lose my connection to the things I’ve learned; I start to feel hopeless, and I lose my drive and motivation. I start to feel angry too, and spend a bit of time in the pit raging at the inequity of it all.

I stop going to karate. I stop writing. I decide all that is screaming into void. No-one is listening. No-one cares. What is the point of fighting? To resist is like endlessly pouring energy into a black hole; let up, even a fraction, and you are sucked in.

It is hard to pin point what starts me spiraling down, there being a lot of balls I have to juggle to keep me operational! The latest gloom session ended when I took my monthly vitamin D supplement. Things that make you go hmmm right!


woman reading a phillip pullman novel in a corner.
Finding a moment of calm.

At the time though I’d also slowed my exercise down a bit (frequency and intensity of work out) in an attempt to get more paid work done (money, money, money!) and have more time with my kids and partner. After taking the vitamin D though, the next day (instead of sitting at the computer for hours at a time), I decided to get up every 30 minutes or so and blast out one set of an exercise, or run down to the mail box and back, or practice the kata I’m working on.

I felt great at the end of that day. As quickly as it came the black pit around me had vanished, and I went back to karate and even helped with a bit of teaching others (which the week before had terrified me greatly).

close up of emma kyriacou
Smiling again.

I quite often feel that there is no real ‘me’ anymore. No solidly real ‘Emma Kyriacou’, recognizable in a range of circumstances. I change so much I feel more like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. Or rather a multitude of characters, who pop in and out as if this was some kind of WandaVision version of reality.

Is it the real me when I’m despairing and spend a lot of time weeping? Or am I the calm competent one who doesn’t get angry at the kids and goes to karate training three times a week? How much of me is due to my decisions, and how much to the amount of dopamine that manages to fight its way to my brain?

I doubt if I’ll ever find out. Maybe I just need to accept that it is what it is. Contradictions are the stuff of life after all.

I’m going to sit here and contemplate this for a while. Be quite and still and breath deep.

As the earth continues to hurtle through space at a million miles per hour.

If you feel similar, if you need help or feel unhappy:

Reach out to your health professional, doctor, friend or family member. Please don’t allow yourself to feel alone and unhappy. There are people out there to help you.

kitty laughing into camera
Kiity Fitton – usually up to mischief.

Kitty Fitton is a motivational speaker, MC and comedian. She is also a full-time blogger and writer. She is mother to four small people and was very cross to discover she had Parkinson’s Disease.

Find out more at her personal site below. 

Emma Kyriacou. Quite good at hitting things.

Emma Kyriacou is a real-life ninja. Taking up Karate to help fight her Parkinson’s Disease, she’s co-founder of Good Moves and is passionate about promoting exercise to improve mobility and neuroplasticity. (Is that a word? It should be.)

Find out more at her personal site below. 

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