Time. An odd concept. They say “time and tide wait for no man.” (I suppose the same can be said of woman, but it was written in a different age.) However time is indeed precious. When one is young it seems as though time is interminable and endless, a yearning chasm of desperately waiting. Waiting for school to end. Dinner. The weekend. Holidays. Birthdays. To be older.

As you get older the great joke is fully revealed and of course now we yearn to be younger. Fitter and stronger. In my case, free of chronic illness and no Parkinson’s. Yet that’s not how it works, and there’s no point in sitting around moping about what could have been.

We have only this time that we have, and it is terrifyingly short. My Dad often used to say that it was a strange concept, that he has less in front than he does behind. I would tell him off. Yet this year I was fifty. Suddenly my older children are becoming adults and somehow my babies are fifteen years old. I know that people said your children grow up fast, but how did that happen? I have tried to enjoy every second of my children being children, but it feels now like there still hasn’t quite been enough. I want more, but it’s almost over now. I guess that’s why grandparents are so doting. (So I’ve been told. Let’s not open that box.)

Time is still ticking away, marking the hours, minutes and seconds of our lives that will never return. My windows of ‘normalcy’ get ever smaller. Ironically I know that my newfound understanding of Parkinson’s is really only the beginning. It will likely worsen, though I still stubbornly refuse to accept it. I must make the absolute best of every day. There is no point in looking backward, that is done, and cannot be undone.

But we can change the future.

I can push myself to be fitter and stronger. I’m told I’m menopausal and it’s hard for me to shift weight, get stronger. The list goes on. Should I curl up and give in? Of course not. Life is for living. I may have Parkinson’s, my partner has a serious heart condition (what a pair), but we’re going to eke out every last drop of life that we can. While there’s breath in my body, I owe it to not only my partner, my children, but mostly myself.

I will never stop pushing back and trying to be a better me.

Until next time.